happy thoughts..happy thoughts..

-the cat that accompanied me that day..huhu..tq kucing-

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esok last paper. THANK GOD. tp circuit kotttt...waaaaaaaa!!!! lets ber-fourier analysis, ber-laplace, ber-fourier transform, ber-transformer (mcm muvie tu..hahaha..), ber-bode plot, ber-two port network..n etc..lalalalaa...ermm..azrn pon last paper esok. KITA SAMA. yay. nk tgk muvie nnti. jom? hehe.. n dia bru call. kata nk buat custard pudding nnti. BEST :)

nways, the last 2 paper was okay laa..kott..huhu.. okay in the sense, boleh la jwb sket wlpn xda mood nk stdy..hahaha. its true. hopefully its the same for circuit coz i have no mood to study. because nk balikkkkk! n of coz its also bcoz of my previous post. huhu..

fifah! stop bringing up unhappy thoughts k. esok nk exam!

ish!
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-let me introduce u to kwn2 aku..hahaha..totis, landak n rabbit! -

-us 4-

i tear my heart open

i sew myself shut

my weakness is..

that i care too much..

and the scars remind us

that the past is real

i tear my heart open

just to feel..

and the scars will always remind me..

.fifahaywire.trying.very.hard.to.think.of.happy.thoughts.OUT.

if only words could explain..

tho i always remind myself..n let others remind me..i know im strong..or at least, i try to be..but yesterday, i cannot feel any of that strength i've been using to keep myself going..it felt like my strength tank is empty. zero.

n i thought i could without shedding a tear. n i always thought i could..but i couldn't..that whole night, i sat by her..waiting..i told her i miss her..we already miss her a whole lot..i asked her to hold on..i asked her not to give up..n i told her we still needed her..we still want her to be around..n that it'll break our hearts if she went..
i said many things..some of the things i would never say before this..
but she's sound asleep at the time..but i guess, that'll do..

n aku admit. aku mmg sgt2 sedih..asyik2 teringat..asyik2 hati jd sayu..x pernah mcm ni. mmg x prnah..x prnah tgk org sakit..sbb aku taw, mmg pedih..mmg sakit...but i duno what to do..i duno how to help..ive never been thru this..blm pernah skali pn experience bnda cmni..smpai nk stdy pn x boleh. xtaw la apa nk jd dgn paper exam aku nnti..seriously.
n mmg this is the first time something has affected me greatly. inside n out n to this extend. n i duno how else can i explain this..yes..if only words could explain...if only words could describe the details..if only words could..

i told her again today to wait for me..
bcoz i hv 3 papers left (which suddenly felt least important now)...
i told her i'll get back as soon as i can..
n so will others..
so.. wait for us k..?
do wait.
tunggu tau..pls tunggu..

im not ready..
we're not ready.
don't go just yet..
jangan..k..?
:(

we love u too much to let u go..

note to self : pls stop being so selfish..tolong jgn pentingkan diri, boleh tak?!

tq to azrn for reminding me out of the blue. tq for telling me. kepala aku ni mmg perlu diketuk sikit..huhu..

& tq to ikan for ystrday. x rmi nk lyn ak yg mengada ngada ni lma2..huhu..

aim high

y laaaa am i not asleep yet niiii...huaaa..pening2..hmm..trust me, i want to sleep..n i think i need to say it again. i WANT to sleep..i really do..huhu.. but i guess its a weakness or something that i really carry out the saying "try ur best".. but mayb i guess this is trlampau try kot. huaaa..its also a habit that i try not to let anyone down..if the bar is set, then, it's either i get there or higher. n sometimes, i cannot settle for something less than that..if i can push myself to the maximum, i will. n if i can still stand even whn its over the limits, then why not? hmm..bad habit ka ni? huhuhu. im assuming so because dgr cm gelojoh ja..hahaha.. but really..it comes naturally..i mean..im sure most people r just like how i am..it's just that sometimes the resulting events doesn't show the degree of determination, the amount of effort, the depth of hard work u put in and etc..and im here to remind u..aim high anyway..climb n try to reach for the stars, but don't pull the ladder up with u, keep it there as u go up, so that if u fall, there's still a way for u to climb back up again..
but nways, im just like the above whn it comes to certain things i feel the need and worth the effort to go after for..

its almost 5.30am..should i go mop the floor now? hahaha..

n im out.
will edit this later..skrg post ja laaa...hehehe..

fifahaywire.ngantuk.&.OUT.

3 am..

hmm..duno what to write (yala sgt..tgk2 post ni jd pjg berjela nnti..)..hmm..actually..it's..i dunno how to explain what had happen for this past few days..duno where to start and what word and sentence to use.. see..i didn't think any of the events would take place like they did..and..im really really speechless...meaning, there are lots of things that need to be said..but the words just won't develop into written nor spoken ones..

since, i ran out of words so..at 3am in the morning..meaning just now..i sweeped...and i mopped the floor. lalalalaaa....mmg xdak kerja..tido pn lg best..buttttt, mop lantai pon best pe..TAPI, mop bilik sndiri ja laaa..hahahah..skrg best je lantai tu..lincin n brkilattt..hahaha..

urmm..layan-ing the exam mode, im particularly stressed out for the subject that is insanely cute-ly titled "ANALOGUE 1"... huahua..yay (with the utmost sarcastic yay i've ever tried saying :P)..huhu..pening2...kepala pusing berjuta kali dh..haih..this is the sub im worried about (and the amount of worries is increasing proportional to the countdown of the said paper..hah..)

dahla...merapu byk ja..
n SUE wants her name to b said here. duno y..so, ive said it. sue...ooo suee....puas ati x? nama tulis besar2 lg tuuu..hehehe..

i send smiles to those who are down (n not smiling.. :P) hoping they will regain strength and pick themselves up back again and SMILE too.

and fifahtrulyhaywired is -OUT-


& tq to my 'doctor'..tq sgt2. :) if not, i'll be repeating the same mistakes over and over again..

fifah! stop doing it!

i cant grasp the fact that i always do the stupidest things and only realize how wrong it is after..the thing i did was painful, physically, n it hurts but.. i dunno laa... Maybe at the time, hati aku lagi sakit..and i cannot feel others that are less painful than that. aku taw aku x spatutnya buat mcm tu..tp mayb aku x sedar..huhu..i always say i want to stop, but maybe the strength i have in me is not enough.. i always end up back at square one..all over again.. haihh..the scars are there..they show how many times i always end up doing the stupid things i shouldn’t..and i cannot help but remember the events that took place..huhu..

& i will try to remind myself constantly with things like..."fifah! stop doing it!" "fifah! buat benda lain!" huhu.. sometimes it worked..but sometimes..when the weigh of reasons for me to do what i did and the high degree of haywiredness overcomes the strength i have in me.. where diversion remains unreachable..then i end up scarring myself all over..i am strong, i always tell myself that..but when it comes to this..i duno la..am out of words..am speechless..

& whatever it is, i need to appreciate myself more n dok sengap2 lpas ni...


n yes..these r one of those things i'll never say..

fifahaywire.had.gone.through.the.haywired.stage.but now.regretting. :(

while(1) with no break; //haih..

when is this constant force going to end? or at least be put on hold for a while laa...huhu..this while (1) loop xdak break; function ka haa..huhu..
nway, i have viva tomoro..and just today the whole design showed positive results..traffic light success!! HAHAHA..the counter worked accordingly, the LED light up in sequence..the timer counts correctly and the display on 7 segment is sangat la betul...huhu..x nyesal x tidok lgsg smlm..haha..yea! tq to su yan coz teman awal2 pagi..n asma coz teman mlm2..hahahahaha. best tol group dgn diorg..
& & tq to k.maya n my friends..we had a great photo session dat day kan3? hahaha. best2..jom buat lg skali..

struggling for maths test tomoro. huhuhu. radix coffee is really effective to avoid sleep..tgh promote ni.. :)

okeh.

fifahaywire.still.in.the.loop.

over-force..haha

and the truth is...i cannot stand this anymore. i might smile, i might look okay, but fact is, it's too late. and i seriously have gone beyond my limits and yes, i have met the line which says "now u ARE forcing urself like seriously..".. but see...i don't like to disappoint...bcoz i myself hate to be disappointed too..haih..if only realization came knocking on my door earlier..i'd probably be off this stage already..huaaa..

and im here to complain because i can only complain it here. this is my space. my area. where the things i'll never say are said.

fifahaywire.&.constant.force.OUT.